do fake-cheese eating zombies live among us?

The past couple of days I have found sliced cheese wrappers on the floor next to my wife’s side of the bed. I mention this for a couple of reasons:
1)Individually wrapped processed American cheese slices are gross and hardly qualify as “cheese;” even though it may meet “the legal definition of cheese.”
2)How come this processed cheese is called American? Why don’t they name it after a fake country, like Narnia cheese?
3)This has occured on more than one occassion.
4) My wife says the wrappers must be from our three year old son who brings her slices of cheese to unwrap while she is on the computer. And then, according to her, he must be dropping the cheese wrapper on the floor as he walks away after she hands him both the cheese and the wrapper.
Point #4 would be an okay explanation, except for the fact:
1)That it has happened more than once.
2)That there was no wrapper on the floor last nite before we went to bed, and I discovered a wrapper on the floor this morning.
3)Processed cheese slices hardly qualify for the priviledge to be called “cheese.” (Yeah, I have an issue with processed cheese. Don’t even get me started about bologna.)

Now don’t get my wrong, I adore my dear wife… but this whole mystery must be solved.
My theory- My dear wife might be a closet processed-fakecheese eater and doesn’t even know it… kinda like those zombie people, who don’t know that they are zombies.

Let the investigation begin!


13 Responses to “do fake-cheese eating zombies live among us?”

  1. lauranee Says:

    maybe you should station a hidden camera somewhere near by tonight!

    (I don’t like “processed” cheese either. We do cheddar slices.)

  2. mimima Says:

    Narnia cheese. Giggle.

  3. juliana Says:

    I AM NOT EATING THE CHEESE!!!!!!! I DON’T EVEN LIKE IT… the empty pringle can, that’s mine.

  4. libbie Says:

    1:) did you know the chemical make-up of processed american cheese is only one chemical away from plastic………..ewwwwww!

    2:) I’m pretty sure Kimi could more then likely kick your butt so I might not blame her for the cheese anymore.

  5. juliana Says:

    Ahhh Libby you know me so very well
    On a more positive note, since the cheese is so close to plastic, it makes it a perfect vegan treat.

  6. bluecanopy Says:

    papa h thanks for the *new* link…i keep forgetting to change the address om my blogroll….doh! now i can revisit anytime i like.

    hope you find the culprit! any sleepwalkers in the house??

  7. 01varvara Says:

    Oh my… “Processed American Cheese Food Slices” (to use the full and lugubrious title) are a secret vice of many. What’s that, Herman? No… I did NOT say that I had this meretricious and insane desire… What, me? How dare you…

    Of course, if you place same on a toasted “English muffin” (another phony food product) and nuke it for 12 seconds you a “reasonable facsimile thereof” of a grilled cheese… What’s that? How would I know that? Papa Herman! You don’t trust any of us! šŸ˜‰


  8. Spoke Says:

    #1 Pick up wrapper
    #2 Outlaw this “food” in your home.
    #3 Seek out all remaining “cheese” and confiscate said contraband.
    #4 Use unwrapped confiscated pieces to seal leaky roof or seal the underneath of the bathroom door to avoid the emitting aroma caused by “someone” who ate too much processed food in the first place.
    #5 seek out OLD NIPPY CHEDDAR and never go back.

  9. aaron Says:


    I just realized something. American Cheese very much resembles the disingenuous nature of popular American beer. They both only represent from a distance the product they claim to in fact be.

  10. layne aka: herman Says:

    Aaron I think you are on to something.

    So is it okay to drink Steel 211 if I am willing to eat fake cheese?

  11. aaron Says:

    Only if you pound it, bra!!

  12. Mary Says:


    Velveta baby! The grilled cheese with this stuff is so good. My oh my, some cheese snobbery is what i sense at work here. I thought we were friends.

  13. Maxim Says:

    I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!! I confess; they are my cheese wrappers. I have this perverted fetish which compels me to sneak into people’s houses late at night, and devour FAKE CHEESE, (The Deconstructionist symbolism gives me goose pimples all over my body) then leave them on the wife’s side of the bed, and film the resulting encounter, when the angry husband confronts her with the incriminating evidence. I like to watch the videos while eating Pringles and drinking our iconic American beer-product, Butwiper (as far as I can determine, made by putting pee in a bottle, and fortifying it with pure grain alcohol). Don’t blame me; blame Hilary.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: